make it work

when i get something in my head it becomes all encompassing until it comes true. i dwell on the details, print and reprint applications, plan the possibilities and replay them in my head. i almost manifest what i desire. when i was 16 i wanted to go to Europe and i made it happen! i saved every penny, i worked and reworked budgets, read and reread every brochure and book on London and Paris. i even made a paper chain that was 6 months long. i was the most prepared teenage traveler, i even had wrinkle reducer spray haha. my next big obsession was dorm life, anything and everything they recommended i had to have! i didnt need to go anywhere because i was so comfortable and prepared (perhaps its one of the reasons i didnt stay long, who knows). along the way there have been mini obsessions but i feel like this biggest loser audition is on its way to being my next "make it happen" moment. im doing research on how these casting calls work, im reading the profiles on contestant seeing what sets them apart, ive got the application out so i can think of the best way to answer the questions, im contemplating what it would be like to go all the way through. every other thought is somehow linked to the biggest loser. what picture should i bring, should i do a video, what should i say about me, where will i park, how long will it take, when would i know about a call back.. etc. Its like a puzzle and i thrive on each piece coming together. i want to make sure i give it my all.

im scared of being disappointed, there are very few things that i've wanted this bad.

icky food!

my stepson is staying with us for a little while and one of the main struggles when hes here is he eats ONLY chicken nuggets and fish sticks! we have tried everything with him, rewards and consequences. weve tried making him sit there until he eats or saying fine dont eat but you get nothing until the next meal. this little boy is so stubborn with his food that he will make himself throwup or not eat for days!!!! of course hell eat anything sweet or chocolaty which lead me to my brilliant plan! last night after eating his chicken nuggets all gone we made chocolate cake together, i let him add chocolate chips to his and then when he wasnt looking i put peas and spinach baby food into his batter. and you know what it tasted the same to me! ive decided its the only option for him.. smoothies with carrots or broccoli , cake with vegetable purees, pancakes with flax seed. i think its pretty brilliant i just wish it was a little easier. i have the deceptively delicious cookbook and i would try more except this kid wont even try mac n cheese or spaghetti. he will sit there and watch you enjoy something only to refuse it anywhere near his face, oh well slow steps! hes a good sweet kid and of all the problems he could have they could be worse than this, i just worry about his nutrition.
Kailah loves her big brother being here, she follows his every step and begs for his attention. he makes her laugh with such ease and appears to just be in awe. its quite sweet to witness. these 2 are going to be good buddies when they get bigger

slacker!

wow a whole week without blogging is no good for my goal!
ive eaten worse in this past week than in months, MUST BLOG!!!!!!


i made a life altering decision this past week... im going to audition for The Biggest Loser!! i have nothing but time to lose and everything else to gain! i need to figure out what my story is, what sets me apart from every other overweight young mom. what do i have to offer the tv show that might save my life? ive been doing all kinds of research on how these auditions run and where i fit in. the part that makes me nervous is trying to get my personality and point across in 30 seconds to 2 minutes. i can be quiet when im overwhelmed and lose my words in highly intense situations and a time limit like that can lead to both. im hoping the preparation and research will set me at ease and push me in the right direction.
im keeping all the negatives at bay, potentially 3 months away from my babygirl and love of my life would be excruciating. BUT my daughter deserves a happy healthy confident and energetic mommy that can be the best example. This time away would be short in comparison to a lifetime with her. im terrified that she wont recognize me after so long and in an improved body. BUT as ive said before, time heals! and love always comes through. i dont want my life to be over at 22.







i just watched the hurt locker and it just made sense all of a sudden. they will always crave to feel as alive as they did every time they survived.

notes of aggrivation

ive been detecting a hint of aggravation lately. ok not so much a hint, as way too many things are getting under my skin! and no its not that time of month fyi. haha unless you're referring to the full moon.
im going to blame this fantastic new mood on the new job. i'm not accustomed to be confused for this long, its hard to justify leaving my baby at home for something that brings be home so agitated. i have a little hope that it will get better but overall good days are decent and bad days are devastating.
these past few days have been discouraging to me im back to feeling like nothing will ever happen! ive been struggling with my choices so im feeling like weightloss is hopeless. with the aggravation i've noticed my bad eating habits are sneaking back. i take a walk in my neighborhood and i end up being sad and anxious because i want a house soooo bad and im scared i never will. im enrolled in tv/online classes and im on the brink of either dropping or failing because im finding it difficult to take the time needed to succeed. the sad part is on subject ive already passed with an A before and the other is something i find very interesting. ive been talking myself out of plans and dreams because the road isnt easy. and just to add to the aggrivation i had this blog completely typed only to have firefox shut down before i saved or published it.
my mom always said id argue with a sign post if i thought it was wrong, and she was so right! to this day i can talk myself out of the perfect situation with all my questions and insecurities. i dont know where to draw the line between gut feelings and questions. there is no such thing as a wrong decision. every decision brings you closer to the person you want to be and the life lessons you want to learn. if all else fails each "wrong" decisions lets you know what not to do again haha

i think what i need is a night to myself, a night to completely get away from everything. no family, no baby, no cell phone or computer. just time for my and my thoughts. i think its the perfect prescription for some rejuvenation and relaxation and whatever else i need to put me back on the right track. work said something about optional training down in the bay maybe ill take it just for the outing.


* forgive me for all the typos im retyping as fast as possible so i can go to sleep

compulsive list maker

thats me.... the compulsive list maker.
i have lists of lists around here. i make them to motivate me, for direction and ultimately to give me a sense of control. It typically works out except on those occasions when they make me anxious because its something i feel strongly about and don't have the patience to see it through. i make them with this big idea that writing it down will make magic happen. so tonight i make another list, one with goals and accomplishments, reasons why to achieve them. i make it with the intention of writing only what im capable of and what will keep me moving forward.

reasons to drop weight and be healthy

• be confident
• wear high heels and walk gracefully
• take beautiful pictures im not ashamed of
• enjoy the intimacies of a relationship without being ashamed of whats on display
• have the energy to make active choices and the energy to play with the baby
• have a healthy pregnancy that doesn't take me out of commission
• finally wear the wedding dress of my dreams
• shopping easily, successfully and with style at any store i choose
• so i don't wear the insides of my jeans thin
• to travel comfortably on planes or in cars
• to feel better with less stomach aches and miserable problems
• keep my body young and treat my joints, back, knees etc nicely
• feel attractive
• stop dreaming and start taking action
• not feel intimidated or judged
• get the breast reduction i've wanted for years(if anything a lift should do the trick haha)
• have a dramatic before and after picture
• own a sense of accomplishment
• be the example i want to set for my daughter
• have the reflection in the mirror match the girl i see in my head
• be happy!( with myself and the choices ive made)
  

collecting

i love blog hopping, i find the best quotes, some great ideas, and a lot of inspiration

• "Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right.' Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."
• "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls." -Audrey Hepburn
• PEACE. It does not mean to be in a place
  where there is no noise, trouble
  or hard work. It means to be in
  the midst of those things and still
  be calm in your heart.
• love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... changes your life
• Life comes with no guarantees. No time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest. Laugh as much as you can, spend all your money. Tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off. Speak out loud, dance in the pouring rain. Hold someone's hand, comfort a friend. Fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late. Be a flirt, smile till your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love... & most of all live in the moment cause when you look back someday knowing you have no regrets, its gonna be what makes you smile
• You’ve got to risk love. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to get hurt, but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love
• This is how it works
  You're young until you're not
  You love until you don't
  You try until you can't
  You laugh until you cry
  You cry until you laugh
  And everyone must breathe
  Until their dying breath
  
  
• Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it
• Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up
• People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing -- that's why we recommend it daily
• Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
• We can’t become what we need by remaining what we are.

things that have crossed my mind..

• stupid people should be shot -
• the sound of rain is very sexy!-
• there is such a thing as a stupid question..i personally have proved that point-
• that God gave us a brain for a reason....so USE IT!-
• good looking people that know they are, ruin it for the rest of us -
• scary movies are an excuse to get it on and not feel bad about missing the movie-
• that it actually takes more muscles to smile because why else does smiling hurt -
• jokes somehow are funnier when the comic laughs too -
• calling me baby is not the way to get into my pants -
• kissing is an art form and i only collect masterpieces -
• bless your heart is not a compliment. Especially when I'm smiling-
• just because you have abs it does not make you hot -
• wearing certain colors makes me feel sexy
• screaming and swearing can solve any problem-
• just because it fits doesn't mean you should wear it -
• that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do
• that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
• girls have dirtier minds then guys..but they keep it to them selves
• people who sing songs without knowing the lyrics should be exiled -
• if your kids are spoiled brats, it IS your fault -
• 20 items or less pretty much means 20 items or less-
• guys who don't date fat girls because they're fat should just realize that everyone gets fat at some point, so why not be a step ahead of the game?-
• fat girls aren't easy. EASY GIRLS are easy -
• blondes only have more fun because they're not smart enough to know what's really going on -
• men who sleep with prostitutes should have I SLEEP WITH PROSTITUTES tattooed on their foreheads -
• no matter how stupid you are, there will always be someone who is even more stupid than you are -
• people who know english, yet continue to speak it improperly should come with remote controls so that the rest of us can mute them. perhaps even turn them off and watch them collapse mid sentence-
• that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
• that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
• that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
• two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
• that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
• that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• NEVER make somebody your everything, cause when they are gone you've got nothing -
• To push forward is a plus. To stand still is fear. To do nothing is failure-
• . . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.