make it work

when i get something in my head it becomes all encompassing until it comes true. i dwell on the details, print and reprint applications, plan the possibilities and replay them in my head. i almost manifest what i desire. when i was 16 i wanted to go to Europe and i made it happen! i saved every penny, i worked and reworked budgets, read and reread every brochure and book on London and Paris. i even made a paper chain that was 6 months long. i was the most prepared teenage traveler, i even had wrinkle reducer spray haha. my next big obsession was dorm life, anything and everything they recommended i had to have! i didnt need to go anywhere because i was so comfortable and prepared (perhaps its one of the reasons i didnt stay long, who knows). along the way there have been mini obsessions but i feel like this biggest loser audition is on its way to being my next "make it happen" moment. im doing research on how these casting calls work, im reading the profiles on contestant seeing what sets them apart, ive got the application out so i can think of the best way to answer the questions, im contemplating what it would be like to go all the way through. every other thought is somehow linked to the biggest loser. what picture should i bring, should i do a video, what should i say about me, where will i park, how long will it take, when would i know about a call back.. etc. Its like a puzzle and i thrive on each piece coming together. i want to make sure i give it my all.

im scared of being disappointed, there are very few things that i've wanted this bad.

icky food!

my stepson is staying with us for a little while and one of the main struggles when hes here is he eats ONLY chicken nuggets and fish sticks! we have tried everything with him, rewards and consequences. weve tried making him sit there until he eats or saying fine dont eat but you get nothing until the next meal. this little boy is so stubborn with his food that he will make himself throwup or not eat for days!!!! of course hell eat anything sweet or chocolaty which lead me to my brilliant plan! last night after eating his chicken nuggets all gone we made chocolate cake together, i let him add chocolate chips to his and then when he wasnt looking i put peas and spinach baby food into his batter. and you know what it tasted the same to me! ive decided its the only option for him.. smoothies with carrots or broccoli , cake with vegetable purees, pancakes with flax seed. i think its pretty brilliant i just wish it was a little easier. i have the deceptively delicious cookbook and i would try more except this kid wont even try mac n cheese or spaghetti. he will sit there and watch you enjoy something only to refuse it anywhere near his face, oh well slow steps! hes a good sweet kid and of all the problems he could have they could be worse than this, i just worry about his nutrition.
Kailah loves her big brother being here, she follows his every step and begs for his attention. he makes her laugh with such ease and appears to just be in awe. its quite sweet to witness. these 2 are going to be good buddies when they get bigger

slacker!

wow a whole week without blogging is no good for my goal!
ive eaten worse in this past week than in months, MUST BLOG!!!!!!


i made a life altering decision this past week... im going to audition for The Biggest Loser!! i have nothing but time to lose and everything else to gain! i need to figure out what my story is, what sets me apart from every other overweight young mom. what do i have to offer the tv show that might save my life? ive been doing all kinds of research on how these auditions run and where i fit in. the part that makes me nervous is trying to get my personality and point across in 30 seconds to 2 minutes. i can be quiet when im overwhelmed and lose my words in highly intense situations and a time limit like that can lead to both. im hoping the preparation and research will set me at ease and push me in the right direction.
im keeping all the negatives at bay, potentially 3 months away from my babygirl and love of my life would be excruciating. BUT my daughter deserves a happy healthy confident and energetic mommy that can be the best example. This time away would be short in comparison to a lifetime with her. im terrified that she wont recognize me after so long and in an improved body. BUT as ive said before, time heals! and love always comes through. i dont want my life to be over at 22.







i just watched the hurt locker and it just made sense all of a sudden. they will always crave to feel as alive as they did every time they survived.