make it work

when i get something in my head it becomes all encompassing until it comes true. i dwell on the details, print and reprint applications, plan the possibilities and replay them in my head. i almost manifest what i desire. when i was 16 i wanted to go to Europe and i made it happen! i saved every penny, i worked and reworked budgets, read and reread every brochure and book on London and Paris. i even made a paper chain that was 6 months long. i was the most prepared teenage traveler, i even had wrinkle reducer spray haha. my next big obsession was dorm life, anything and everything they recommended i had to have! i didnt need to go anywhere because i was so comfortable and prepared (perhaps its one of the reasons i didnt stay long, who knows). along the way there have been mini obsessions but i feel like this biggest loser audition is on its way to being my next "make it happen" moment. im doing research on how these casting calls work, im reading the profiles on contestant seeing what sets them apart, ive got the application out so i can think of the best way to answer the questions, im contemplating what it would be like to go all the way through. every other thought is somehow linked to the biggest loser. what picture should i bring, should i do a video, what should i say about me, where will i park, how long will it take, when would i know about a call back.. etc. Its like a puzzle and i thrive on each piece coming together. i want to make sure i give it my all.

im scared of being disappointed, there are very few things that i've wanted this bad.

icky food!

my stepson is staying with us for a little while and one of the main struggles when hes here is he eats ONLY chicken nuggets and fish sticks! we have tried everything with him, rewards and consequences. weve tried making him sit there until he eats or saying fine dont eat but you get nothing until the next meal. this little boy is so stubborn with his food that he will make himself throwup or not eat for days!!!! of course hell eat anything sweet or chocolaty which lead me to my brilliant plan! last night after eating his chicken nuggets all gone we made chocolate cake together, i let him add chocolate chips to his and then when he wasnt looking i put peas and spinach baby food into his batter. and you know what it tasted the same to me! ive decided its the only option for him.. smoothies with carrots or broccoli , cake with vegetable purees, pancakes with flax seed. i think its pretty brilliant i just wish it was a little easier. i have the deceptively delicious cookbook and i would try more except this kid wont even try mac n cheese or spaghetti. he will sit there and watch you enjoy something only to refuse it anywhere near his face, oh well slow steps! hes a good sweet kid and of all the problems he could have they could be worse than this, i just worry about his nutrition.
Kailah loves her big brother being here, she follows his every step and begs for his attention. he makes her laugh with such ease and appears to just be in awe. its quite sweet to witness. these 2 are going to be good buddies when they get bigger

slacker!

wow a whole week without blogging is no good for my goal!
ive eaten worse in this past week than in months, MUST BLOG!!!!!!


i made a life altering decision this past week... im going to audition for The Biggest Loser!! i have nothing but time to lose and everything else to gain! i need to figure out what my story is, what sets me apart from every other overweight young mom. what do i have to offer the tv show that might save my life? ive been doing all kinds of research on how these auditions run and where i fit in. the part that makes me nervous is trying to get my personality and point across in 30 seconds to 2 minutes. i can be quiet when im overwhelmed and lose my words in highly intense situations and a time limit like that can lead to both. im hoping the preparation and research will set me at ease and push me in the right direction.
im keeping all the negatives at bay, potentially 3 months away from my babygirl and love of my life would be excruciating. BUT my daughter deserves a happy healthy confident and energetic mommy that can be the best example. This time away would be short in comparison to a lifetime with her. im terrified that she wont recognize me after so long and in an improved body. BUT as ive said before, time heals! and love always comes through. i dont want my life to be over at 22.







i just watched the hurt locker and it just made sense all of a sudden. they will always crave to feel as alive as they did every time they survived.

notes of aggrivation

ive been detecting a hint of aggravation lately. ok not so much a hint, as way too many things are getting under my skin! and no its not that time of month fyi. haha unless you're referring to the full moon.
im going to blame this fantastic new mood on the new job. i'm not accustomed to be confused for this long, its hard to justify leaving my baby at home for something that brings be home so agitated. i have a little hope that it will get better but overall good days are decent and bad days are devastating.
these past few days have been discouraging to me im back to feeling like nothing will ever happen! ive been struggling with my choices so im feeling like weightloss is hopeless. with the aggravation i've noticed my bad eating habits are sneaking back. i take a walk in my neighborhood and i end up being sad and anxious because i want a house soooo bad and im scared i never will. im enrolled in tv/online classes and im on the brink of either dropping or failing because im finding it difficult to take the time needed to succeed. the sad part is on subject ive already passed with an A before and the other is something i find very interesting. ive been talking myself out of plans and dreams because the road isnt easy. and just to add to the aggrivation i had this blog completely typed only to have firefox shut down before i saved or published it.
my mom always said id argue with a sign post if i thought it was wrong, and she was so right! to this day i can talk myself out of the perfect situation with all my questions and insecurities. i dont know where to draw the line between gut feelings and questions. there is no such thing as a wrong decision. every decision brings you closer to the person you want to be and the life lessons you want to learn. if all else fails each "wrong" decisions lets you know what not to do again haha

i think what i need is a night to myself, a night to completely get away from everything. no family, no baby, no cell phone or computer. just time for my and my thoughts. i think its the perfect prescription for some rejuvenation and relaxation and whatever else i need to put me back on the right track. work said something about optional training down in the bay maybe ill take it just for the outing.


* forgive me for all the typos im retyping as fast as possible so i can go to sleep

compulsive list maker

thats me.... the compulsive list maker.
i have lists of lists around here. i make them to motivate me, for direction and ultimately to give me a sense of control. It typically works out except on those occasions when they make me anxious because its something i feel strongly about and don't have the patience to see it through. i make them with this big idea that writing it down will make magic happen. so tonight i make another list, one with goals and accomplishments, reasons why to achieve them. i make it with the intention of writing only what im capable of and what will keep me moving forward.

reasons to drop weight and be healthy

• be confident
• wear high heels and walk gracefully
• take beautiful pictures im not ashamed of
• enjoy the intimacies of a relationship without being ashamed of whats on display
• have the energy to make active choices and the energy to play with the baby
• have a healthy pregnancy that doesn't take me out of commission
• finally wear the wedding dress of my dreams
• shopping easily, successfully and with style at any store i choose
• so i don't wear the insides of my jeans thin
• to travel comfortably on planes or in cars
• to feel better with less stomach aches and miserable problems
• keep my body young and treat my joints, back, knees etc nicely
• feel attractive
• stop dreaming and start taking action
• not feel intimidated or judged
• get the breast reduction i've wanted for years(if anything a lift should do the trick haha)
• have a dramatic before and after picture
• own a sense of accomplishment
• be the example i want to set for my daughter
• have the reflection in the mirror match the girl i see in my head
• be happy!( with myself and the choices ive made)
  

collecting

i love blog hopping, i find the best quotes, some great ideas, and a lot of inspiration

• "Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right.' Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."
• "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls." -Audrey Hepburn
• PEACE. It does not mean to be in a place
  where there is no noise, trouble
  or hard work. It means to be in
  the midst of those things and still
  be calm in your heart.
• love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... changes your life
• Life comes with no guarantees. No time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest. Laugh as much as you can, spend all your money. Tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off. Speak out loud, dance in the pouring rain. Hold someone's hand, comfort a friend. Fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late. Be a flirt, smile till your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love... & most of all live in the moment cause when you look back someday knowing you have no regrets, its gonna be what makes you smile
• You’ve got to risk love. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to get hurt, but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love
• This is how it works
  You're young until you're not
  You love until you don't
  You try until you can't
  You laugh until you cry
  You cry until you laugh
  And everyone must breathe
  Until their dying breath
  
  
• Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it
• Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up
• People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing -- that's why we recommend it daily
• Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
• We can’t become what we need by remaining what we are.

things that have crossed my mind..

• stupid people should be shot -
• the sound of rain is very sexy!-
• there is such a thing as a stupid question..i personally have proved that point-
• that God gave us a brain for a reason....so USE IT!-
• good looking people that know they are, ruin it for the rest of us -
• scary movies are an excuse to get it on and not feel bad about missing the movie-
• that it actually takes more muscles to smile because why else does smiling hurt -
• jokes somehow are funnier when the comic laughs too -
• calling me baby is not the way to get into my pants -
• kissing is an art form and i only collect masterpieces -
• bless your heart is not a compliment. Especially when I'm smiling-
• just because you have abs it does not make you hot -
• wearing certain colors makes me feel sexy
• screaming and swearing can solve any problem-
• just because it fits doesn't mean you should wear it -
• that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do
• that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
• girls have dirtier minds then guys..but they keep it to them selves
• people who sing songs without knowing the lyrics should be exiled -
• if your kids are spoiled brats, it IS your fault -
• 20 items or less pretty much means 20 items or less-
• guys who don't date fat girls because they're fat should just realize that everyone gets fat at some point, so why not be a step ahead of the game?-
• fat girls aren't easy. EASY GIRLS are easy -
• blondes only have more fun because they're not smart enough to know what's really going on -
• men who sleep with prostitutes should have I SLEEP WITH PROSTITUTES tattooed on their foreheads -
• no matter how stupid you are, there will always be someone who is even more stupid than you are -
• people who know english, yet continue to speak it improperly should come with remote controls so that the rest of us can mute them. perhaps even turn them off and watch them collapse mid sentence-
• that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
• that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
• that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
• two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
• that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
• that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• NEVER make somebody your everything, cause when they are gone you've got nothing -
• To push forward is a plus. To stand still is fear. To do nothing is failure-
• . . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

dream away

lately i've been having some elaborate dreams. ive even been waking up in the middle of the night thinking i hope i remember that one because that was a doozey! and thinking that one was too crazy to forget! well i was half right, i remember having the dreams i just didn't retain the whole story.
i remember an amazing kiss. i remember being on a shaky bridge and barely hanging on only to be swung to safety (and its a good thing because it was a long way down!) i remember being left in a hotel with no money to pay the bill. something about a woman out to get me. and some stuff like that.
so whats the point, what do they mean and why have these detailed dreams if i don't get to remember them. its like paying to go to a movie only to sleep through most of it.

what happens when the clock runs out?

**ok i just watched "the blind side"... awesome movie! i was smiling through most of it. i think in my next life i want to come back as a rich southern woman because they are a hoot!



Today i realized that although i have full plate right now i'm too concerned with time management. i need to learn i dont have to do it all at once or nothing at all. Take everything in stride. Weight loss its not going to happen instantly no matter what i do or even with my new job im struggling with giving myself the time to learn, i need to realize everything takes time. this concept of "time" is the hardest to process. time heals everything, only time will tell, you will get what you want.. in time. give yourself time to adjust. it takes time.. etc. etc. this infinite, impossible to measure amount of time is the answer to it all. but im a girl that likes answers. if something is going to take time just let me know, 2 days, 3 weeks, 5 months, a year? sure youll understand your job its only gonna take 3 more weeks. sure youll get your degree just stick with it for the next 3 years. absolutely youll lose all your weight in the next 6 months, youll figure out what you want in the next couple of days.. now that would be more like it! it would be nice to rule out all the.. "someday"s , "eventually"s, and the "maybe soon"s. even better would be the .. "ok so you want to go to italy? great! plan to back your bags for april of 2012" but maybe if it worked that way we wouldn't try as hard to get there or maybe we'd be disappointed. Like if someone told me i wouldn't buy a house until 2032 would i just accept that and not even try until then? hmmm.....all the possibilities! Time is too slow and way too fast and takes forever .. haha here i am 22 and i feel like i'm running out of time and yet i have my whole life ahead of me!



On a side note Ive been really good about tracking my calories for the last few days, its almost like a game to see if i make it and for 3 days now i've stayed within the calorie goal and i kinda feel like i'm cheating. I've been eating delicious meals and not feeling like im missing out or hungry AND staying on track?! it seems to good to be true. if i keep this up something might actually happen lol!

kick that box to the curb!

Today was really great and extraordinarily productive for me. i only wish i had got more sleep. this beautiful baby of mine has really been struggling these past few days, teething is a drag! this morning after begging her to sleep just a little bit longer we got up and lazed around. I was surfing the web and reading emails and doing anything i could think of to waste time on the computer when albert sent me a cool idea...get her dressed up, go to the park and take pictures. OKAY! so that i did!
It took me forever to find the right outfit and by the time i did, babygirl decided it was nap time. what great timing, i completely considered laying down with her and enjoying some much needed sleep. But i didn't! instead i took the time to get myself dressed and get a diaper bag ready. i had to wake her up but this mama needed to follow through.

she loves being in the stroller, she soaks it all up. we enjoyed some great mommy daughter time and i got beautiful pictures of her (not to mention 6500 steps and a 1.5 mile walk). when i got home i made an awesome stir fry that had great flavor and low cal too. after i ate a scrumptious dinner i made a new exercise song playlist and took it for a test drive...45 minutes on the elliptical machine then came home and enjoyed a sugar free pudding treat.
Days like this leave me on such a high,its a sense of accomplishing something so important. after taking the pictures today i was going through the memory card and came across pictures of me at christmas. i had a moment... that "wait is that me, i really look like that, its gotta be a bad camera angle, its the lighting.......how did this happen, how did i let myself slip this far, no wonder ive been feeling so bad" moment. it was heartbreaking but today was the perfect day for it.. instead of sitting in self pity i got up and did something about it. so tomorrow im gonna look for the same feeling, i packed myself an awesome lunch and im looking forward to some exercise as well i have been trying to start a new habit of keeping track of my calories on sparkpeople.com and days like this are so encouraging. i enjoyed really yummy food, stayed within my calorie goal and im completely satisfied (sweet tooth included)


today i stepped out of the box and went for it!

purpose

i havent seen "julie&julia" or even read the book but i want the kind of direction she has. every day is an adventure when youre trying something new. i initially wanted that with my goal at the bottom but so far the only goal im achieving is blogging daily. blogging would be so much better with direction and adventure. but so would life....

the challenge is on!

After a little bit of a discussion, Albert has issued me the challenge i hope will lead to success. when i win this challenge its gonna give me big money! yay!
here are the terms:

• i weigh in tonight for the starting weight, then i weigh in every Friday to check my progress.
• for the first 25lbs, Albert will pay me $2 for every pound i lose
• for every pound after the 25 marker he will pay me $10 for every pound i lose
• every time i hit a goal mark i get a new outfit or new undies(both are needed fyi haha)

Here's the interesting part: for every pound i gain i have to pay him $5
all of this money is going to be from our personal funds which will make it more worthwhile all around. i know i will appreciate (and work extra hard) everything he can give me because i know he values his tip money just as much. this is the perfect opportunity to shape up and change habits with great rewards!

is this a sign?

my creativity is getting antsy and severely needs an outlet.
i have been baking for a long as i can remember and ive always been pretty good at it!
so right around the new year, i finally made the decision to start cake decorating. ive been super excited about it and cant wait to get started and get really good!
Albert's birthday was at the end of last month, it was the perfect opportunity to start right?
WRONG the cake practically blew up in the oven! well that was a first! i decided to let it go, there were a lot of reasons it could have been better but next time.
well next time came. my mom got me a giant cupcake pan for valentines day. it was awesome! i decided to make this cake from scratch. first i ran out of sugar. I had to laugh then i got over it, it just meant a smaller cupcake; no big deal. i put it all together then in the oven. i have to admit it was a little bad timing on my part because i took care of the cake before dinner. well it was getting late so dinner needed to get in the oven.the cake looked delicious so i took it out and left it to cool. after dinner i frosted it and served it up.yummy yummy giant cupcake right? WRONG! it turned into a molten lava cake. my giant cupcake was completely raw in the middle!
that is 2 absolute cake disasters in less than a month and oddly enough after i decided cake was my life. ive decided to push through it but im getting a little nervous. im starting to think its a sign.
i know that i want to do some photography on the side or perhaps as the forefront. its another creative outlet i need/want to persue. Im so fickle, too worried about making the wrong decision so i dont make any at all.. hmm yet another cycle to break.

get a clue

im in the process of understanding this blog thingy completely and as part of that ive been blog browsing and im seeing a huge trend. if you have a blog you are most likely spreading the word of God(to each their own, i have no judgment) or you're pregnant. Babys Everywhere!
its quite an experience to see the huge spectrum of people lives, just goes to show that this mama really does need a life... hahaha
on a side note..................im so glad valentines day is over! no more performance anxiety.
today i had a small lightbulb moment, when something disappoints you consistently: move on. we stopped by costco to grab a quick cheap lunch and i was staring at the churros about to order one and then it hit, im never satisfied with them, by the end of the churro im left waiting for that perfect bite...so dont get one! and i passed on it! it was small victory but good. this goes for Dennys as well, always sounds good but only leaves you greasy and with leftover rubber pancakes. Old Sac as well, usually sounds like a great little day outing, but we only leave with a huge bill for parking and an uneventful walk through stores that are unexciting. No More! this realization makes me want to cleanse more of the unnecessary out of my life. sounds perfect to me!

kinda failing at my goals, im awesome at setting them and then falling short. time to break the cycle, the pattern stops now. ill be a little lenient with myself tomorrow because its hard to get 8 glasses of water in while working in a retail environment but its just a hiccup to figure out.
this signoff bit is proving more of a challenge than expected

goal tomorrow
drink 3 full water bottles(60 oz)
portion control
and take time to work out


another side note.. sorry my thoughts and my writing are bouncing off the wall

its contagious!

i went to babiesR'us today for formula and i hear this guy in the next aisle over say "damn there are alot of pregnant women around!!" i had to laugh, i mean really what do you expect in a baby store?
why is it that when you have the baby bug, everybody and everything in your life is BABY!?! i think the bug bit me at my sister in laws baby shower. all the cute clothes and the baby talk and excitement. it had me reminiscing about my pregnancy, all the exciting firsts like kicks and ultrasounds and a cute baby bump... the truth is i was very sick and pregnancy didn't agree with me the best. Its funny, the parts you so luckily forget tend to be the inconvenient truths. it explains why we all continue to expand our families. So now i get to ride out this baby bug longing for the future.(lord knows its for the best). perhaps another incentive to add to the weight loss list.. a healthier body to carry a baby belly LOL! oh the irony( lets lose 50lbs to put in back on with the cravings hahaha)

as for yesterdays goals..... no bueno
water intake was pitiful
no cute sign off came to mind
and the small celebrations... i clapped every time miss Kailah stood on her own :)

tomorrows goals are today's carried over with an extra add on. tomorrow is the dreaded valentines day, my goal is to be loving and in the moment a touch more.

what does it take?

The Olympics opened tonight in Vancouver and the feeling as always is excitement. Its as if the energy from the athletes seeps into our homes through the TV. its interesting to think that families around the world are coming together to cheer for their team, there is something oddly comforting knowing that.
With the Olympics as a perfect backdrop i am screaming at my body that the time is now!
i need to re-find my motivation to get fit. I've lost it and it seems i need to flip the switch fast before I continue to spiral. It comes down to what do i want more i guess... do i want to stay miserable in my comfort zone? or do i want to find happiness in my health and active body? so this is where i ask..what does it take?! what will make me follow through? i think the answer is a challenge! i need something BIG as an incentive to win and even better i need something BIG as an incentive to not lose the challenge.

hmm what to do ...... i see dollar signs!!!

money is this funny thing, it is arguably the biggest cause of stress and relief in my life. it would be easy to say money is the cause of my weight struggle and even more so the answer to losing it, but it is another issue for another day.
something tells me that once i get one of these under control the rest will fall into place accordingly, here is where my lifelong struggle with patience is put to the test. As they say the things your work the hardest for are the things that mean the most. perhaps that should be my new motto and motivation. you can say although these Olympians may be born with these talents, they work so hard to perfect and become better. I need to think of how much more i will enjoy being thinner and healthier knowing the alternative and knowing i worked to get there.

goal for tomorrow: start small, celebrate even the small achievements and drink 8 glasses of water....oh and come up with a nifty sign off :)

at the Beginning......

so here i am at the beginning of something new! after months of considering it, i am finally starting my own blog. The truth is i dont know why... i am not a clever or funny girl or someone with a special story to tell, i don't have lots of spare time to fill or lots of friends to keep updated. i am starting with the good intentions of proving to myself i can follow through with something, to take that extra time for me, to hold myself to the promises that are important to making my life what i want and to Be the example i want to set for my daughter.

So yes here i am at the beginning... at the beginning of what i hope to be an improvement on a very shaky marriage, at the beginning of my beautiful baby girl's life and all the firsts that go with it ( this week is her first tooth!). I'm restarting my college education goal. I started a new job on Monday after over year of being unemployed, i bought a car that is new to me last week and to add to the joy and stress of all this change I've decided to start my weight loss journey and end my battle with obesity. what can i say when i make a move i do it with style!

I am excited to see where i am going and what this huge shift in my life will bring. My first goal is to publish a blog 6 out of 7 days a week. My second goal is to figure out all the nifty things i can do with this thing :) but don't you worry, there are more goals to come


so here i am at the beginning.. hoping for great things!